Nelson's Happy place
Thursday, May 13, 2010
May, especially the first half, has been quite busy for me this year! Used to the more quiet life, more laid-back style, I have been finding myself doing things I've never done before in my life! I've been stretching and growing in my life, which is a good thing, but it can be almost painful at times, if you know what I mean.
To kick things off, on May 1st, I caught my first ever plane to Jacksonville, Florida, to catch my first ever boat for a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas! WOW! I think someone may be putting me up to this, cuz I've never done anything like this before! :-) She's awesome, I know! She's shown this Amish boy so many things it's not even funny! She dares to be different and different is good. It keeps things from being the same old same old. Sometimes I feel like an inflatable doll and she's the air I breathe.
The plane ride wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, to be honest, though there were a few moments I wasn't too crazy about. We did get there, which I was proud of, and we were immediately shuttled, by bus, to the boat. That was awesome too! We were on the Carnival Fascination for 5 days, getting off at Half Moon Cay and it's nice blue waters, then again in Nassau, going across the bridge to The Lost City of Atlantis. What an experience! I know that I may never ever in my life go there again, but to be able to say that I have is just so incredible! The pictures I've posted on Facebook don't do it ANY justice at all. You might as well not even look at them. I look at some of them now and wonder why I even took the picture. It's that far removed from what it really looks and feels like in person. But I AM proud to be able to say that those pictures that look like postcards were taken with MY camera! The best parts of the whole thing will always be in my memory, shared only with the one that I love!
I tried for the most part to stay out of my own way and just let myself enjoy the moment, the experience, and I did have a really good time. I think that if or when we go again, we'll know what to expect and may be able to get more out of it. But I still miss E17. The best part of the whole experience is that we made a lot of memories together. Not just regular, ordinary memories, but we shared something special, someplace far away. We have inside references, or jokes if you will, that we can bring up and we know what we're talking about, but nobody else has a clue! Like "Shake it!" or "Clint Estwood".
But all good things must come to an end- otherwise you'd have too much too much of a good thing- and we had to get off the boat. By the time our floor was called to disembark, there was cargo being loaded up, getting ready for the next load of people to hit the open seas again! That boat doesn't get any rest at all!
The second flight I ever took I got through as well, obviously, as I am here to write about it now, but it didn't help any to get me warmed up toward a third. The guy next to me said that that was the smoothest ride you can ask for- one of the best he's been on. I wouldn't have wanted it a bit rougher than it was!!! I was SO relieved when we finally touched down in Philly! ( the only touchdown I care for Philly to ever have, actually)
After that came our wedding. We had one day in between to get rested up, get ready and do whatever else we had to do. Good thing for us, we had some wonderful people here to get the place ready for the occasion while we were still on the water. I don't want to think about where we'd be without those awesome people in our lives.
The wedding was GREAT! We wanted a small wedding, which it was. We could have done without the wind. I thank everyone that was there for coming, and I apologize if I didn't invite you. Realize, it was MAYhem. At the wedding, my girlfriend ran off with her boyfriend, so I walked my wife back to the reception and we took our seat at the head table. I don't do crowds very well at all, but I surprised myself at how good I handled the ceremony. It helped that it was only her and I up there, alone in our own little world. I repeated those vows, and I meant them. I didn't rush into marriage because its not something to be taken lightly. I've seen so many people say they will and then later decide they won't. Thats not me. There HAS to be something left in this world worth saving, sacred enough to hang onto, and this should be it. I will never be alone again- neither will she. I will always have someone to talk to, to cry to, to laugh with and love with all my heart. And I will be right here for her to have the same things. She deserves all of these things and so much more, and I have the honor of being the one that is able to try and bring it to her. I will do my best to do just that.
I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to be doing, so it just kinda happened, you know.After the ceremony I just found myself talking to different people and doing different things- I guess there really is no wrong way? The people started leaving after a while, and then the party ended up indoors. We had a good time. I remember doing my part in helping to empty the keg- there were 6 gallons left in that thing the next morning! Some people spent the night because they were just having too much fun for them to leave!
The last of the MAYhem events was the very next weekend when my new wife took me to the races for my birthday! I am now 36 years OLD! It had been a long time since I'd gone to one, and she'd never been to one, so it was exciting, for me anyway. She isn't a real diehard fan to begin with, and I wasn't sure if the live experience would make it or break it for her. The friday night before the race we even went to Trackside Live and saw my favorite driver up close and personal! It was great! It was an awesome birthday present, even though my driver had trouble and had a pretty bad finish.
After the race, not only did I have THAT sunburn to deal with, I still had the Bahama Burn to take care of!
That was the first half the month- MAYhem. The rest of the month we needed to slow things back down and get back to normal. That included things at work that had gotten away from us while we were gone, and the normal newly married stuff that had to be done. I am glad that May is over with, despite all the grand old times we had. We're boring people, we say, and it is time to let the dust settle and let us get on with our lives!!
Hopefully in the month to come I can get back to my blog and get something regular going with my poems and such. Who knows, maybe we're not that boring a people after all and there'll be stuff to tell you about as well!
Until then, thats all for now!
See ya later, folks!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
2002- 2003 poems:
1. When He Puts My Mind To It
2. Company's Coming
4. First Date
5. Yesterday's Tomorrow (Today)
6. If Love Is The Answer
7. What Would It Be?
8. Angel Dust
9. She Needed Love
10. List Of Safe Questions
11. I Just Hope You Can Wait That Long
12. My Inspiration
13. The Looking Glass
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Though there are others older than me that have not yet gotten to where I am, I need not let that encourage me- I can still slip up.
I must live my life the best way that I can and make it the way that I would like it to be.
No one else needs to deal with the consequences I accrue in this life, whether they be good or bad- they are mine. The bad ones I must oversome however possible, and the good ones I must gracefully accept; some even take credit for. Either way, I must 'fess up.
The only reason that I should be unhappy with my life is when I have done my best to do what I can and find out it was to no avail. Until then, I must keep trying; keep living my life the way I feel I need to- I must not give up!
Success is different to different people. Some may call me successful by looking at where they stand themselves. Others would look down on me and say that I've a long way to go. But, In MY life, success is for ME to define- and then ACHEIVE!!
I wrote this poem on July 11th, 2001, like the date above has noted. I have NO idea what happened on that day except that I wrote this poem, but I suppose I was in some kind of inspired, introspective mood that day, and wanted to write something to hopefully motivate myself along, or at least say that where I am is quite alright. Sometimes when you don't have someone telling you these things, you have to come up with them yourself. I know that life gets busy. Sometimes you don't even have time to blink, let alone be thinking about someone else and what MIGHT be going on in their life. Sometimes you're not the kind of person that comes forward with the right thing to say at just that right time. Bless the people that do, for they are really appreciated. I have a few of them in my life, and I appreciate what they do for me. Someday I want to be that person that can open myself up to someone else and offer them just the few words that they need to hear just then. It's not a lot, but yet it is. It can mean SO much more to the reciever than the teller, even when the receiver can't tell the teller just HOW much.
One good example that I have is commenting on these blogs. I just love getting comments from people, letting me know what they thought of my blog, how much they like it, and what it did for them. I just eat that up! Yet, on the other hand, I am not a very good commenter myself, even when I do really like a certain something that I've read in somebody's blog or something. Maybe it just takes getting there. I hope so. I don't want to just assume that people know how I feel, when they have no way of knowing without me telling them. I appreciate the people in my life so much, that are trying to pry me open and get me to come out, sharing what they think is so good, but what I'm just not so sure about.
I don't mean for this to sound arrogant or boastful or whatever, but it is very frustrating to sometimes feel like you have a whole toolbox full of wonderful tools right there in front of you- that you just don't know how to use cuz nobody has ever shown you how. Where IS my place in life? Is this it? Did I miss out on something years ago that I just can't get back anymore? Why do I feel like I'm destined for something greater, but don't seem to have the map to show me how to get there? I'm not trying to replace everything in the life that I know now- I'm getting ready to get married, and I wouldn't want to miss out on that-but I'm talking about the things around that that could be so much different- so much better, had someone been there for me when they should've been and shown me how to use what they could see that I had. In one way, yes, I AM lamenting- I AM feeling sorry for myself- and those who know me know why. For those who don't, I'm not just throwing an unjustified pity party for myself. I know that as an adult, it IS now up to me to make my life whatever it is to be now. I just wish that the other people in my class wouldn't have had so much of headstart.
It is important for the people who are in the position to do something to see in your children, or even other young children, what they have that they could do something with. Don't just assume that they know. As Patti mentions in her blog, Sam's teacher recognized what he had and entered him in a competition. He saw something in him and had a way of doing something for Sam that he may not have gotten any other way. That is the way things should be, I think, the older people looking out for the younger generation instead of just worrying about themselves. And I hope I can be in the position to do that myself one day. We all can use a hand-up in life- and some NEED that more than others. Someday I will find My Place In Life and be able to help others find theirs.
We are almost done with these pesky introductions, then we can just just get on with the poems and the stories behind them. I'm looking forward to that- kinda.
Here is the Table Of Contents for my 2001 Poem Book- Words:
1. Oh! (2000 leftover)
2. I'm Free
3. Wind Blowing At My Door
4. Somebody Else
5. One-Sided Love Affair
6. The Heaviest Heart
7. If You Ever Get To Thinking Like
8. The Operation
9. Too Special
10. There Is Nothing Like...
12. It's Not Because
13. I Don't Ever Want To Stop
14. My Brand New Day
15. What Would You Say
16. What You Are To Me
17. Truth Is
18. Too Much
19. Heaven Sent
20. Another Muse
21. Today (Is The Day)
22. Stranger Man Than I
23. The Leading Man
24. Brand New Scene
25. I Still Adore You
26. One Of These Days
27. My Place In Life
28. Overnight Success
29. A Truer Love
30. Would You Love Me
31. I Would, But...
32. A Man Of Few (spoken) Words
33. It Must Be You
34. I Wish It Didn't Hurt
35. Maybe There's A Reason After All
36. Misery Loves Company
37. Balancing Emotions
38. Your Biggest Fan
39. For Who She Is
41. Millions Of Moments
42. Life And Death
43. ...But What If I Need You?
After this, there is only one more book to introduce- Perfect Center- which are my poems from 2002 to 2006- thats when I pretty much stopped writing poems and started writing in my notebooks. People that know me know about my notebooks- or should. It evolved into a black double attache case- whatever you want to call it- holding the current months book and the previous month. It went wherever I went. I affectionately (Maybe too much) called it my LIFE. (Look, I File Everything!) Things happen for a reason, go through a cycle, then just naturally drop off or stop altogether. i didn't force it- i didn't make it happen, but this January I really backed off on my writing and went about doing things differently. If I had done it on purpose, or forced it, it would have happened in June, as that is the anniversary of my June Book. Starting in 2006. So what I have now is a very informative and probably just as revealing 3 1/2 year block of notebooks, a notebook for each month, except on a few rare occasions. Why? Because I wanted to try and contain my brain. I figured If you can't beat em, join em. I wanted to document time and what happened in it. I did the best i could, but finally I gave up and decided that my best would have to be good enough. I couldn't write fast enough to get everything down before it left me! My hope, still, is that I got what was important, but if I did miss something, that one day it would come back to me. I keep saying you can't force a bright idea. It just sucks when you do have one and its gets away from you.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
In so many words I have tried to put my feelings on paper. Good feelings, bad feelings, raw feelings. I've wanted you to feel me and maybe let you see where I am coming from.
I've wanted to pour out everything from myself in hopes of achieving clarity and the ability to sleep at night without dying to the world upon contact with my pillow.
But the words churn endlessly in my mind, continously ravaging its plains and gnawing on my patience until it becomes too much to bear sanely. Thoughts and ideas, projects, plans and fragments of promise tumble over each other like clothes in a dryer in a laundromat or the Lottery bubble as seen on tv.
Good ideas, if I'm quick enough with a pen and close enough to something to write on, are sometimes salvaged to be expanded into something worth standing. If not, most are lost, sometimes forever. Like the clothes through the glass door of the dryer, some are seens parts of again, but not enough to show you what you need in order to work with them.
Though I can't accuse myself of hearing voices, these visual cogitations interfere heavily upon my life. They distract me through conversations, becoming sometimes audible to the point where I can barely hear what the speaker is saying to me. Attempts at retention of important details seem futile as they join the rest of the frantically agitating pieces of clamjamfry.
And I've written so many words on paper that I have been unable to keep track of just how many. They've said so much, in so many ways, that mmaybe the message is getting lost in all the gobbledygook.
In so many words, I've lauded love, ranted on about romance, harped against hatred and even alluded to lunacy. I haven't gotten up on rooftops, but I've shouted "Save me, forgive me, love me anyway, despite whatever". I've conjured up significance to insignificant injuries. I took to thinking and I wound up wondering if there is anything anywhere that is worth all this worrying.
There you have it. As you may have noticed, somewhere along the line I have broken free of the standard run-of- the -mill stanza poem and its different though restricting rhyming patterns. I did try to stretch and grow my writings and my styles to see what I could do with just a pen and some paper. I even backed into a Haiku once, which I'll put on here sometime. Sometimes, to make it interesting, I'd get myself a little buzzed- maybe a little more- then I'd sit down and write. It was fun trying to read my own writing the next day, but some of these poems that you'll see on here- perhaps some of the better ones- came from a different state of mind. You may or may not be able to tell. I'm not even sure I know which ones came from that, though I bring it up here because I suspect this may be one of them. And just to let you know, some of these blogs may just come about the same way. I think it's interesting what your mind can come up with with a little different kind of help.
I've said somewhere before- in some writing somewhere- You can say so much- But then you can only say so much. When you write it in a letter, an email, or in a text on a cell phone, you may end up saying something that you didn't even intend to say. I've run into that lately. When you write down the way you feel, even though you know the tone and mood associated with the writing, it is the mood and the tone of the person reading it that ends up counting in the end. Sure, there are things you can put in the letter to try and denote the mood or tone, such as smiley faces :-), lols, maybe even exclamation marks at certain places, though even those can be misinterpreted at times. While I have declared that its the writers mood and tone that should be considered, it is the writer that it is meant for and sent to, so it will be their interpretation that will have to be considered in the end. There are ways around and through this problem, however. If you talk at all, you can explain what tone and mood was intended for that writing. In fact, if you talk at all, the reader will have a better idea of how you actually wrote it. When you're texting someone all day every day, you pretty much get to know what they're saying, and how they're saying it. I hope my followers are getting something out of my poetry. I appreciate the comments. I eat them up as a matter of fact! Sometimes you don't even realize what you wrote or how it DOES affect people, which is the good opposite side of the people that just whiz through them and don't even know what they just read. They make me look forward to sharing more and more with you- dusting off the cobwebs of these creations I've had for years now and exposing them to the light of day- and the internet!
Here is the Table Of Contents of In So Many Words:
1. Be The Finger
2. To My One And Only Mother
3. I Want To Know
4. All About You
5. You Stand Out In My Memory
6. The Perfect One For Me
7. The Chance
8. Indescribable Beautitude
9. Searching For Daylight
10. The Gamble
11. I Cried
12. Only If You Count The Ways
16. I Needed A Song
17. A Moment Of Peace
18. Ordinary Enough
19. I Gotta
20. The Next Girl That I See
22. Where Is The Boy?
23. Just Another Poem Without A Title
24. Someone Like You
25. Going Outside
26. Mental Case
27. Theredore I Am
28. Love Is...
29. In So Many Words
30. I Write I
31. I Write II
Brilliance (The Last Two Days)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
(First I ask that you help me to read this every day and to remember these words when I am away)
Walk with us, Lord, as we walk through this world, and help us to live in your ways. I'm sure you know that there are many things here to distract us from your ways, but surely I can, with your help, do better and try harder. Guide my thoughts, Lord, and keep them away from the negative things, Satan's things, and instead focus on what is yours- the good, positive things of this world. I know you put Angels among us, Lord, to help us through things. Please don't let me forsake them and ignore your advice. I know that you work in myterious ways, and that everything happens for a reason, so help me to stay open minded when things happen that I don't understand. It's all a part of your master plan, Lord.
Help me to help others whenever I get the chance, Lord, for they just might be one of those angels, testing me to see what kind of person I am. Help me to pass that test, Lord!
Heal my heart from these wounds that I know you already know about, Lord, and help it to beat a good beat for you as I continue to live this life by your grace.
You know what each and every one of think we need, Lord, for you know all and see all- but you also know what each and every one of us deserve. You can read our minds and see every action that we have done on this earth and in our lives, and you know those bad things we did- and that we just can't be happy until we have paid the cost for that sin and been disciplined in your loving grace. I don't need to tell you what they are, for you can see into my soul and know even better than I do what needs your attention the most. Forgive me for my sins, Lord, and show me the right way to move forward in my life according to your plan.
Help me to become what you have intended for me to become, and don't let me be afraid of what other people may think about me, or what they think I should become. I should only have to worry about what The Lord, My God wants me to be, and what he wants me to do. Help me to remember that when the time comes that I put too much stock in the thoughts and opinions of others.
Please, Lord, shine your light into my heart and into my life and chase away the darkness. Fill every corner of my existance with your love, with your patience, with your holiness.
I have been reading a lot about you, lately, Lord, and I have to admit that I have been missing out on a lot. There are things in Your Book I had no idea were in there. And it's so interesting!
Sometimes we even read the nexts days' verses because we are so intrigued with this new knowledge! Please build me up even more with your knowledge, Lord, with your word.
Bless us all, Lord, for you know we need it down here! Keep knocking on our hearts just in case we might open up and let you in, Lord. Some of us aren't quite sure how, Lord, or feel that we're not ready. Please help me get ready to receive you! I want to let you in and have you in my heart, living with me day after day, every day, to show me which way to step. Guide those who may just be going through the motions, Lord, for that will get them nowhere with you. Again, its not the thoughts and opinions of others that count, it is only Your judgement that will mean anything in the end. We know who we are, as do you, even when others may not. A good christian is not just a christian in church, on Sundays, but is so on every day of the week, in Your honor.
Please watch over us on our cruise, Lord. Keep us safe on our travels and be with us when we go to Texas. Guide us on our move and help us make new friends in our new surroundings.
Please bless our marriage, Lord, and help to make it a joyful celebration of the beginning of our new life together. Please don't let me dwell on the negatives on such a positive day. Help me to be the man that I need to be for Angela, doing what I need to do, and finding the right words to say when I need to speak.
Our Father, thou art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever, Amen
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I'm scared to love and get too close
Afraid to pursue what I want the most-- Who Am I?
I put myself at the bottom of the totem pole
Even when I should really be in control-- Who Am I?
I don't know what it is you want me to say
When you might want to hear 'Please don't go away'-- Who Am I?
Not happy with my life, or anything in it
Too cautious, or lazy, to do much about it-- Who Am I?
I want you to know me and somehow still care
Even when guts are spilled and my soul is left bare-- Who Am I?
I have what I have, what some others want
But I still keep on burying my Kup in the Sant-- Who Am I?
I want the answer before I've asked the question
I want the honor but not the attention-- Who Am I?
I am so much more than I allow me to be
So much more than I wish for the world to see-- Who Am I?
I laugh and I cry and I think about you
I dance with the lies to twist the truth-- Who Am I?
I'm afraid, so afraid, to let you close to me
so scared, oh so scared, you wouldn't like what you'd see-- Who Am I?
I think sometimes I know, then I don't
I know that I can, turns out I just won't-- Who Am I?
I'm a hypocrite in a hypocritical world
I missed the part where boy meets world-- Who Am I?
I love the night, but have a day job
I love egg sandwiches and corn on the cob-- Who Am I?
I write, I draw, I think to create
I try to express what makes my head ache-- Who Am I?
I fell so I failed, and I sit the rest out
To others but a challenge they would do without-- Who Am I?
I hate myself for being this way
Though I know that tomorrow will be the same as today-- Who Am I?
I try to pretend there is no one else out there
But don't stop to realize there are those who care-- Who Am I?
I hurt, disappoint, forsake and betray
Payment to friends who tried to show me the way--Who Am I?
I speak, no one listens, to them it's a joke
I am the eye and all they do is poke-- Who Am I?
I think so fast pens can't keep up
But only when alone- around others I'm stuck-- Who Am I?
There may be so many people just like me that I may get tired of counting in a couple days, but I still feel sometimes like I'm the only one....
26. Letter To An Angel