1998 Poem Book Introduction- Confessions, Signed And Dated

Todays poem comes from Confessions, Signed And Dated, my '98-'99 poetry book. There is, again, a poem of that same title, but I have chosen a different one to share with you. This poem is called Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I'm scared to love and get too close

Afraid to pursue what I want the most-- Who Am I?




I put myself at the bottom of the totem pole

Even when I should really be in control-- Who Am I?




I don't know what it is you want me to say

When you might want to hear 'Please don't go away'-- Who Am I?




Not happy with my life, or anything in it

Too cautious, or lazy, to do much about it-- Who Am I?




I want you to know me and somehow still care

Even when guts are spilled and my soul is left bare-- Who Am I?




I have what I have, what some others want

But I still keep on burying my Kup in the Sant-- Who Am I?




I want the answer before I've asked the question

I want the honor but not the attention-- Who Am I?




I am so much more than I allow me to be

So much more than I wish for the world to see-- Who Am I?




I laugh and I cry and I think about you

I dance with the lies to twist the truth-- Who Am I?




I'm afraid, so afraid, to let you close to me

so scared, oh so scared, you wouldn't like what you'd see-- Who Am I?



I think sometimes I know, then I don't

I know that I can, turns out I just won't-- Who Am I?




I'm a hypocrite in a hypocritical world

I missed the part where boy meets world-- Who Am I?




I love the night, but have a day job

I love egg sandwiches and corn on the cob-- Who Am I?




I write, I draw, I think to create

I try to express what makes my head ache-- Who Am I?




I fell so I failed, and I sit the rest out

To others but a challenge they would do without-- Who Am I?




I hate myself for being this way

Though I know that tomorrow will be the same as today-- Who Am I?




I try to pretend there is no one else out there

But don't stop to realize there are those who care-- Who Am I?




I hurt, disappoint, forsake and betray

Payment to friends who tried to show me the way--Who Am I?




I speak, no one listens, to them it's a joke

I am the eye and all they do is poke-- Who Am I?




I think so fast pens can't keep up

But only when alone- around others I'm stuck-- Who Am I?


There may be so many people just like me that I may get tired of counting in a couple days, but I still feel sometimes like I'm the only one....

Nelson Coblentz

6/1/98

This poem is about how we as human beings can feel quite alone at times, even when there are thousands, sometimes 100's of thousand -or even millions- of people that feel exactly the same way. When you have low self-esteem, for whatever reason, it's even worse. I have had low self-esteem for years, really hating on myself, not feeling worthy of much of anything. Whatever good did happen to me was quickly discounted and soon meant nothing to me at all.

I am now at the point where I can at least say that, you know? For years I would've felt SO bad that I couldn't even tell you HOW bad I felt. Even now I feel kinda wierd telling you some of these things, but I do believe that talking about things makes me feel better about them. When you keep everything held in for so long, nobody can help you, nobody can relate to you even when they do feel the same way, because they have no idea that YOU feel that way.

Low self-esteem is just horrible. It's really a terrible, terrible thing! The way that you feel about yourself taints everything that you look at, feel, hear and think about what is going on around you. When people DO give you compliments- a lot of people don't give compliments at all- you just shrug it off, like I said earlier, and act like it's nothing. No matter what good, or how much of it happens in your life, you don't see it because you're looking at all the negatives. It's just a bad, bad way to live, and I finally got worn down and right tired of living like that. I'm getting married in May and I don't want to drag that old me into a new life. I've been seeing a therapist- and I can say that because that is a good thing- I think everybody should make an appointment with one right now. It can't hurt! It feels good to talk to somebody about things now and then and learn new ways to think about it, look at it, and deal with things.

I don't ever want to become someone who thinks I'm better than anyone else. That's not what I'm after at all . I have a long way to go and then some before I get to that point, so I'm not too worried about that right now. All I want is to be able to stand myself, consider myself a worthy individual, trust and respect myself, and be able to be happy. We all deserve that, don't we? Yes, we do! Even I do!!

Low self-esteem, from what I've read and all, comes from the negative stuff you were told when you were a child, and for one reason or another, were allowed to digest wrong information and get this bad image about yourself. Sometimes the parents don't mean to- but sometimes the parents could have tried harder. What can you really do, right? Deep down I know I can become more, and be what I want, but it is very very difficult to climb up that hill, and harder yet when the wind thats supposed to be at your back is blowing right in your face, pushing you backwards.

I don't want to dwell on that too much anymore. I have a more positive outlook on life now, looking forward instead of backward, and I'm looking forward to each new day more and more now. These days my path is on a hill with a gentle downhill slope, both ways. I'm working on removing the negatives from my life and looking for more of the positives. I know they're there. You pretty much find find what you;'re looking for. It's all inside you, folks! You have to move your own feet if you want to dance! Other people can only do so much for you, even when they are trying to help. They can send you down the slide and be there waiting for you at the bottom, but YOU have to go down the slide yourself! Sometimes its a short slide, and the ride isn't so bad because you can see the bottom. But other times the slide has twists and turns and hills and valleys, and you can't always see the other end of it. Some slides even have tunnels to go through, where things might even get dark for a moment or two, but you have to have faith that that someone will be there to catch you when you get to the end. Sometimes even having that faith is really hard to do, especially since you're already suffering, but with time, you get better and better, using each last step as the guide to the next one, and so on and so on.

By the way, here is the table of contents for Confessions, Signed And Dated:

1998 Poems:

1. Confessions, Signed And Dated

2. Tranquility

3. Pictures In The Dark

4. The Trophy

5. Retarded

6. Porque Mi Muy Loco

7. The Only Thing I Can't Have

8. no Ordinary Mind

9. To Each his Own

10. Lonely Again Today

11. The Only Place?

12. Just Another One Of Those Crazy Dreams

13. Post-Dated Paranoia

14. Muse

15. Love (A Completely Different Story)

16. You Might As Well Just Take With You When You Go

17. A Means To An End

18. Who Am I?

19. Guilt-Stained Fingers

20. Something Sorta Kinda

21. Beautiful Lady (would You Be My Friend)

22. Love?

23. I Don't Know

24. Pretty Girl

25. In A Different World

26. Letter To An Angel

27. A Fast Train Leaving

28. CoLoRS

29. Feature Presentation

30. Pawn

31. I Could Love You

32. I'd Give You Everything

33. The Way That I Could

34. If You Promised Not To Hold It Against Me

35. The Critic Cried

36. Too Much Like Love

37. Confessions, Signed And Dated

38. She's Just A Woman

39. Too Far Away From The Story

40. I Need A Title

41. (You Took Away) All The Words I Had To Say

42. In The Morning?

43. Something Ordinary

1999 Poems:

1. Footprints On The Beach

2. Too Much Inside

3. Through Different Eyes

4. Yesterday And Tomorrow

5. A Letter To you

6. Silent Admiraton

7. My Angel

8. I Want To Be Good At You

9. My Little World

10. My Wish List

11. Patriot-tism

12. I Want To Be Just Like You

13. All I Want Is Your Heart

14. What Do You Think About Us?

15. Different Days

16. Wanted: Identity

17. Photographic Memories Of A Dream

18. Dramatic Irony

19. yOU

20. I Dind't Do It For You

21. Muse Too

22. Final Analysis

23. With You

24. Second Feature Presentation

25. A Brand New Life

The End.

There is the listing of the different poems and the matching stories upcoming on my blog. A part of me is looking forward to it- another part of me is already feeling the chill of having the security blanket of secrecy removed from over top of me.

But all will come- in time- in good time.

Good night all,

From me to you,

Nelson Coblentz